I’m looking forward to the next play on offer at the Marin Theatre Company, in Mill Valley, but after the events of the past few months, I’m glad it doesn’t open until next month. It’s the West Coast premiere of Native Son, by Nambi E. Kelley, adapted from Richard Wright’s justly famed 1940 novel. MTC’s work is always so good, I’m sure the Chicago-set play, which conveys the social inevitability behind a horrific crime, will be well worth seeing. But like many people around here, I think, I need something gentle, sweet spirited, and charming right now. I need to laugh!

Miss Bennet: Christmas at Pemberley is just the ticket. Critics and playgoers will call it “a holiday delight,” and they’ll be right, but it’s far more than a seasonal bonbon. Beyond its wonderful wit and humor, clever characterizations, and almost farcical comings and goings, the play delves into questions of freedom, duty, and happiness so deftly, you almost don’t notice how thoughtful it is.

If you know your Jane Austin, you’re already aware that the play revisits our beloved Pride and Prejudice. It’s set about two years after Lizzy Bennet has married Mr. Darcy and come to live on his grand estate. There for the holiday are her elder sister, Jane, and Mr. Bingley, awaiting their first child; Lydia Wickham, one of the two flibbertigibbet younger sisters; and Mary, the overlooked middle daughter. Darcy is the first to notice how observant, articulate, and witty Mary has become. The woman is stuck at home with her parents, with little to occupy her but her books and her pianoforte, and even her playing has become impressive…and expressive.

One who quickly does appreciate Mary is Darcy’s cousin Arthur de Bourgh, nephew of the novel’s odious Lady Catherine, who is Mary’s equal in bookishness but far more awkward socially. Adam Magill is terrifically shy and bumbling, especially in the scenes where the late Lady Catherine’s daughter, Anne, arrives at Pemberley and announces, to his surprise and Mary’s extreme disappointment, that they’re engaged. The scenes in which Lydia (Erika Rankin) and Anne (Laura Odeh) pursue him are hilarious. With Martha Brigham as Mary, they are at the top of a topnotch cast, which includes Cindy Im as Lizzy, Lauren Spencer as Jane, Joseph Patrick O’Malley as Darcy, and Thomas Gorrebeeck as Bingley.

And the way the play deals with the serious questions at its core is exhilarating. As the only male heir, Arthur, not Anne, has inherited Lady Catherine’s estate. The obvious solution to that problem is for them to marry; personal happiness is beside the point. As the play reminds us, Longbourn, the Bennet home, is similarly entailed to a male cousin; when her parents die, Mary will have to depart as well.

The novel doesn’t spend any time on the situation, but it is a terrible one, as the spirited Mary makes clear. The scene in which she reminds Arthur that he has choices, that he has the freedom a woman lacks–that he, unlike her, can shape his own life–is thrilling. When Arthur takes a stand at last, you want to cheer.

Another excellent thing about the play–by Lauren Gunderson and Margot Melcon, beautifully directed by Meredith McDonough–is that all the sisters come into their own; there’s more to each of them now. It’s Lydia, of all people, finally looking beyond herself and no longer pretending to be happy, who suggests a different future to Anne.

The other night, my friend and I sat behind longtime Bay Area actors Joy and Nancy Carlin and discussed the play with them a bit at intermission. When the lights came up at the end, they turned around with tears in their eyes. “We got a little verklempt,” Joy said. We all laughed a lot, too. What more could you want at Christmas, especially now?

Through Dec. 23, Marin Theatre Company, 397 Miller Ave., Mill Valley, 415.388.5208, marintheatre.org.

Photographs by Kevin Berne. From top: Martha Brigham as Mary Bennet; Brigham with Laura Odeh as Anne de Bourgh (center) and Erika Rankin as Lydia Bennet; (from left) Thomas Gorrebeeck as Bingley, Adam Magill as Arthur de Bourgh, and Joseph Patrick O’Malley as Darcy.

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, The Timely Joys of Miss Bennet: Christmas at Pemberley,

Opera is one of the oldest forms of artistic expression and has changed very little throughout the centuries. Though it remains one of the few constants in the world of fine art, there are several innovators who are evolving the craft while keeping its tradition alive. “Dolce Ardor,” which translates to sweet fervor in Italian, is a multi-sensory experience combining the elegance of 18th century classical music with the modern psychedlia of blacklights, trip-hop and electronica.

While this sounds like an unlikely pairing, creators Andrea Saenz (singer, lead actor, producer, director) and Dave “DTO” Kemp (artist, music producer) have elegantly balanced an aria composed by Alexander Gluck in 1770 with Kemp’s modern electronic music production. Together they meticulously curated this multimedia artform with a solid cast and crew that includes Matthew Jackson (co-director, producer), John Hafner (director of photography), Lana Chromium (makeup artist, body painter), Casey McDonald (costume designer) and Tara Alexis (editor) with guest guitarist John Ziegler.

The result is an unfolding narrative paired with captivating visuals that won the Award of Merit for the Best Shorts Competition and was officially selected by the London International Short Film Festival and Music Video Competition for Other Venice Film Festival. Just in the beginning of its journey, “Dolce Ardor” is an evocative story of discovery, passion, disintegration, rebirth and freedom.

The voice and face of “Dolce Ardor” is Andrea Saenz who has been classically trained since the age of 16. She is now based out of Los Angeles where she has taken up acting, dancing, and singing, a trifecta reminiscent of Hollywood’s golden age. Kemp is also a classically trained musician having started piano lessons at age five and discovering composition at age ten. Throughout high school and college he played in concert and orchestral groups, continually honing in on his skills as a musician. While both Saenz and Kemp are lovers of all things classical, they also desire to evolve these crafts into something that is as innovative as it is traditional.

Saenz and Kemp combined minds in the recording studio and after hours of collaboration, “Dolce Ardor” was conceived. It began as a song melding Saenz’s voice with Kemp’s production and a few months later evolved into “Dolce Ardor: An Electronic Opera Music Video.” Opera has always been equal parts aural and visual so it was only natural that “Dolce Ardor” progressed in that direction. What they have created is a beautiful anachronism that resurrects the enduring art of opera while appealing to a modern audience with the physical potency of electronic music.

“Dolce Ardor” will be hosting two premiere parties for their video in San Diego on November 5th and in Los Angeles on December 3rd. There will be a live “Dolce Ardor” show, live body painting by Lana Chromium, and a special Q&A with the cast and crew after the performance. Electrifying and divine, “Dolce Ardor” is an inter-dimensional exploration into the elegance of the 18th century, the evolution of music, and the psychedelic journey. This team of creative masterminds and musical architects are reshaping classical music with their intoxicating, and truly one-of-a-kind, “trip-hopera.”

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, Dolce Ardor Fuses 18th Century Elegance With Blacklights in Their New Trip-Hop Opera,

Recently, I needed to book a lunch meeting. To help coordinate, I asked Amy to assist and cc’d her on the email. “Amy,” I wrote, “please help us find a time to meet. Let’s plan for sushi at Tokyo Express on Spear Street.” Amy looked at my calendar, found an open time suitable for everyone invited, and booked the meeting.

Amy works just like a human assistant, except she’s not human. It’s an AI bot made by X.ai, a company specializing in scheduling assistants that respond to natural language. Amy is so good at what she does that I find myself thanking her for booking a meeting, forgetting she needs no more thanks than my microwave.

It’s impossible to ignore all the buzz about AI bots. Last month, Facebook’s David Marcus announced that over 30,000 bots have been built since the opening of its Messenger app to bot developers in April. Other companies like Google, Amazon, and Slack are welcoming bot-building developers to their platforms with open arms. Slack even created an $80 million fund to support chatbot projects.

As with any tech trend, most companies building bots today won’t survive. However, some are bound to have a massive impact and will profoundly change the way we interact with our software and services.

The deciding factor between which bots will live and which will die is how well they keep users engaged. After all, if a personal technology isn’t habitually used, it is easily forgotten. Since most bot companies are built on other companies’ platforms, like Facebook Messenger, Amazon Echo, WeChat, and Slack, they must stay top of mind or they may as well not exist.

So what makes for an engaging bot — one that users come back to again and again?

today won’t survive. However, some are bound to have a massive impact and will profoundly change the way we interact with our software and services.

The deciding factor between which bots will live and which will die is how well they keep users engaged. After all, if a personal technology isn’t habitually used, it is easily forgotten. Since most bot companies are built on other companies’ platforms, like Facebook Messenger, Amazon Echo, WeChat, and Slack, they must stay top of mind or they may as well not exist.

So what makes for an engaging bot — one that users come back to again and again?

Beyond Bots

First, it is helpful to expand the scope beyond what most people call “bots” and consider a much larger and more interesting technological shift. Although “bots” has become a buzzword for the artificial intelligence powering many fledgling services, that’s only part of the story. It’s the way we interact with these bots — and the way they are designed for those interactions — that makes them special.

An AI Bot uses a Conversational User Interface (CUI) to turn the tediousness of tapping through drop-downs and app menus into the simple act of asking. On a screen, a CUI looks like a text message, an interface anyone with a mobile phone understands. However, it’s important to remember that CUIs don’t necessarily require a screen at all.

CUIs can work beautifully through a voice exchange. In the best cases, communicating with a CUI by just talking should feel like a chat with a good friend or a helpful assistant. In fact, science fiction inspiration like Jarvis, the virtual butler from “Iron Man,” or Samantha, the digital companion in the movie “Her,” is where enthusiasts hope this technology is headed.

Engaging Conversation

If communicating with CUIs is going to be as simple as talking to a good friend, we should design them as such. William Rawlins, a professor of Interpersonal Communication at Ohio University who studies friendship, says a friend has three qualities: they’re easy to talk to, enjoyable, and dependable. We form routines around turning to important people in our lives in the same way we build habits with our technologies.

In my book, “Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products,” I describe a four-step model that companies utilize to keep users coming back — a trigger, action, reward, and investment. Hooks are the reason we check our tech hundreds of times per day with little or no conscious thought. Integrating the Hooked model with Rawlins’ three qualities of a good friend provides important insights into designing engaging technology that feels familiar and is the key to building great CUIs.

The first step to changing habits is identifying what I call an “internal trigger.” Internal triggers are the momentary psychological pain we feel right before we use a product. It’s why we check Facebook when we’re lonely, why we Google when we’re uncertain, and why we watch YouTube videos when we’re tired after work. These services have bolted themselves onto frequently felt negative emotions. The same goes for calling upon a friend and, by extension, using a CUI.

For example, Sensay.co uses an AI bot to put strangers in touch with one another. The company serves over 1.5 million people across messenger services and SMS. CEO Ariel Jalali told me the company wants to “be the first place people go to when they feel bored or indecisive and want to connect with someone with relevant experience.”

Whether it’s looking for a quick recommendation or a lengthier conversation with an anonymous new friend, Sensay.co wants to serve users whenever they feel the frequently occurring need for a social connection. Sensay.co is an example of a company that uses people, combined with a back-end AI bot, to scratch its users’ itch with a simple, conversational interface.

Easy To Talk To

The next step of the Hooked model is the “action phase” — a simple behavior that might yield a reward,like scrolling the feed on Facebook. Like a friend, a CUI needs to be easy to talk to. It’s in the action phase that well-designed CUIs can surpass their traditional app cousins. CUIs can present information and functionality exactly when it’s needed, without requiring the user to tap through complicated menus and options or exit one app, like email, to get the task done somewhere else, like a calendar.

For example, as part of the recent fanfare around Google’s new Pixel phone, the company showcased how the Google Assistant provides helpful information at just the right time by integrating with different services. If two people text about a restaurant, the Google Assistant can provide directions with Google Maps and make a reservation through OpenTable, all from within the conversation. By anticipating what’s needed and bringing disparate services together, the CUI makes communication a breeze.

Enjoyable

Next in the Hooked model comes the reward. The reward gives users what they came for, scratching their itch, and yet leaves them wanting more. Just as we keep engaging with friends who are fun to be around, a good CUI keeps us on our toes.

For example, one of my daily habits is using Quartz, the news service that looks like a simple conversation. Quartz is both enjoyable and easy to talk to in a number of ways.

First, Quartz inserts funny quips and gifs to keep me engaged while I read the news. However, Quartz doesn’t ask for too much. The CUI gives me the news in quickly consumed tidbits without forcing me to click through to an article to get the most important information. Unlike other news sites, Quartz doesn’t care if I read the entire article and understands I just want to know the gist of the top stories. If I want to get the entire story, I can follow the link, but I rarely do.

Furthermore, while other news sites try to keep me scrolling through articles forever so they can rack up ad revenue, the Quartz CUI literally tells me to go away when it’s done giving me the most important stories, saying, “You’re all caught up! Check back later.”

By giving me a sense of completion that I’m caught up on the day’s news, Quartz gives me exactly what I want. While other news sites feel like a nagging librarian telling what I should be reading, Quartz is easier to talk to and more enjoyable because it demands less of my time and attention while keeping me engaged with humor and surprise.

Dependable

Imagine you meet your friend for lunch. You sit together and as you enjoy your meal, you tell each other about what’s happening in your life. You open up and make yourself a bit vulnerable. Being vulnerable brings people closer together and you leave the lunch thankful for the relationship.

Now imagine that the next time you see your friend, they don’t remember a word you told them. Everything you disclosed seems to have vanished from their memory or, worse yet, they didn’t pay attention to what you said in the first place. Unless they suffer from amnesia, this is not the kind of friend you’d like to keep around.

According to Rawlins’ research, a good friend is dependable. Relationships can’t grow unless people invest in each other. We expect our investment to yield a return in the form of shared information and a history — which make us more efficient at understanding and anticipating our friends’ wants and needs. The same is true of our technology.

The fourth and final step of the Hooked model is the “investment phase.” This is where, like in a friendship, we put something into the service in expectation that it will improve over time. Far too many products don’t ask for investment or they don’t reward it, collecting but never reinvesting the information that users share. But the CUI makes asking for and integrating user investment much easier and more useful.

For example, the more I use Pana, a travel service utilizing a CUI, the better it becomes. (Full disclosure: I loved the service so much, I invested in the company.) Pana remembers my preferences every time I use it. Where do I like to sit on the plane? What’s my frequent flyer number? Which credit card do I use for business versus personal travel? The list goes on.

However, unlike a traditional app or website that would ask for all this information up front, Pana asks for it as needed, but remembers it for life. Like a good friend, Pana doesn’t ask me to repeat myself. With all that information, Pana can be helpful in ways no other travel service can.

Pana can tell me, for example, when I should buy a ticket with points versus cash and handles the transaction for me. Another case in point: Last week, on the way to Phoenix from San Francisco, I noticed I’d forgotten to enter my TSA Precheck number into my flight reservation. Instead of having to call the airline, wait on hold, and negotiate with the representative, I sent a quick text to Pana and it was done for me.

CUI + You = BFF

Amy, the AI bot that booked my lunch meeting, is an example of a CUI that saves time by doing things that a traditional interface of menus and buttons can’t. The proof of Amy’s helpfulness is that, although she’s not human, I can’t help interacting with her as if she were. Amy and the other examples above are just the beginning. In the years to come, CUIs are going to change our lives for the better by treating us like friends.

Of course, friends must help each other. Likewise, the service provided by a new technology must be genuinely helpful. As my friend Amir Shevat of Slack told me, “no matter how good the bot or CUI is, it cannot compensate for a shitty service.” But when built well, CUIs can leverage the four steps of a habit-forming product and create bonds between the user and the technology. By designing services that are enjoyable, dependable, and easy to talk to, companies can build products that feel familiar even when we are using them for the first time.

Nir’s Note: This article is co-authored by Nir Eyal and Alexis Safarikas. Nir Eyal is the author of “Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products” and blogs about the psychology of products at NirAndFar.com. Alexis Safarikas is a digital strategist at Springbok.

You may also enjoy reading …

• Die Dashboards, Die! Why Conversations Will Reinvent Software
• Human + A.I. = Your Digital Future
• Why ‘Assistant-As-App’ Might Be the Next Big Tech Trend

Nir Eyal is the author of Hooked: How to Build Habit-Forming Products and blogs about the psychology of products at NirAndFar.com. For more insights on changing behavior, join his free newsletter and receive a free workbook.

This article was originally published on NirAndFar.com

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, How to Build Technology that Feels Like a Friend,

Photographer: Barbara Nitke

I believe it’s safe to say that all married women have fantasized, at least once, about having sex with another partner during their healthy, happy, and loving marriage. Her fantasy may be a secret affair with a celebrity, someone at the office, or perhaps just a sexy and willing figment of her imagination. Most women never act on these (normal, healthy) impulses, but some couples do — in a totally consensual way. The husband gives his wife permission and encouragement to have sex with other men, while he stays faithful only to her. It’s called Cuckolding, and many committed, loving, and trusting married couples engage in it.

The word “cuckold” derives from the name of the cuckoo bird, which has a habit of laying its eggs in other birds’ nests. The association and the sexual implications are common in medieval folklore and literature, although the older usages usually imply that the husband is unaware of his wife’s adultery. In modern fetish usage, a cuckold is compliant in his partner’s sexual infidelity. Not only is the cuckold partner happy about and sexually excited by the adulterous act, they also often pick out her outfit for the night, shop for jewelry for her to wear, arrange the hotel accommodations and supply the condoms.

A cuckold, then, is traditionally the husband of an adulterous wife, and the wife who enjoys cuckolding her husband is frequently called a “hotwife” or a “cuckoldress.”
Working as a fetishist, I have role played the hotwife in many sessions with clients who either have a cuckolding fantasy, who are no longer in a cuckolding relationship but still crave it, or who want to talk while their hotwife is out on a date.

One client expressed his feelings about being in such a relationship with particular eloquence:

“I never would have dreamed that my beautiful, church-going, subservient wife of more than 25 years would call my bluff and be excited about my cuckolding fantasy. Yes, she is church-going and PTA-attending, a doting soccer mom, educated, professional, worldly, and the sweet and innocent lady next door who no one would never suspect had a deep craving to experience new, different, and varied sexual experiences with other men of all ages.

It started out innocently a few years ago when we used fantasy role play in the bedroom to keep the embers burning. One weekend while the kids were away, we slowly stepped away from our normal vanilla world and started to explore and indulge in my deepest desires. Ever since the first affair, my wife has the “power” in the relationship, and she loves it. We’re now playing by her rules, which means playing with others outside our marriage, but no play for me.”

Photographer: Barbara Nitke

In all relationships, however, there are many perspectives, and each person’s emotions, thoughts, and beliefs take frequent twists and turns. Cuckolding is not for everyone. For some hot wives, what seems at first like a “have your cake and eat it too” arrangement turns into feelings of confusion.

One hot wife explains,

My new husband and I have always enjoyed our sex life. We have been together for five years now, and our sexual energy together still feels electric. Then, out of nowhere, he told me one day that he wanted to catch me in the act of having sex with another man. Literally. Although I have zero sexual attraction to other men, I agreed to try it out. The question then became where to find a willing male participant. After weeks of talking to trusted friends, we ended up on a swinger’s site and found many eager seekers.

Immediately, my husband became way more interested in sex with me. At first I absolutely loved it, although I was curious about why this turned him on so much. When I asked him, he explained, “I think it’s because I always felt a lot of rejection from girls as a young man and even as I got older. I worry that the women I have close relationships with might leave me for other men, and acting it out in a controlled environment actually makes me feel safe.”

He knows I would never leave him, but he likes to imagine that I’m a dirty girl who likes to have sex all the time with strangers behind his back. He even likes it when I sext with guys while we’re having sex together so he can read it.

So, how is this for me? I have done this a few times for him now, and I’ve found that I do not physically or emotionally enjoy the sex with other men. I am able to go through the motions and act like I love it. I have yet to achieve an orgasm during sex with someone else. Usually after we’ve played, he claims his interest in me having sex with other men has started to wane, but then, after a few weeks, it always returns. I have now refused to do another cuckold scenario until he’s willing to fulfill some of my fantasies as well, although that has not yet happened. He keeps getting stuck on this same cuckold fantasy. I suppose it must be amazing for him, but it does nothing for me.

In the end, as always, it depends on you and your partner. If one or both of you has a cuckold fantasy, it’s worth talking about. Indulging this fantasy has the potential to improve your relationship and make you stronger as a couple, but it takes careful planning, communication, and honesty throughout the whole process. And, if you’re curious but don’t want to go all the way with a stranger, try role playing a cuckold scenario first! Remember, no matter what, you are in control, and you have the freedom to explore your sexuality however you want. As long as you keep an open mind and communicate well, you and your partner can be happy together no matter how adventurous or vanilla you decide to be!

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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, Here Is Why A Husband Gives His Wife Encouragement To Be An Adulteress,

Lest you think that Life in the Boomer Lane is beating you over the head with her enthusiasm for One Day U, you are absolutely correct. She attended her second One Day U yesterday. Once again, she is swooning from the experience of being back in the classroom, being taught by some of the best and brightest professors around.

The first thing she noticed upon entering the auditorium was that the sea of greys she encountered last year had become a sea of both greys and non-greys. This was due not to oldsters suddenly discovering hair color, but to younger people becoming aware of One Day U and taking advantage of its offerings. The sight made her happy.

Her day consisted of the following:

Hamilton vs Jefferson: The Rivalry That Shaped America

With all due respect to psychology, it has been LBL’s experience that an understanding of history is often an understanding of human behavior. And the first years after the founding of our country, provided fascinating fodder for such observation. Hamilton and Jefferson, fascinating men in the own right, become even more so, when seen within the context of their bitter rivalry about what their fledgling country should be. Jefferson, the liberal populist, believed in the promotion of the common worker over the privileged forces of wealth, capital, and establishment. Hamilton, a Federalist, believed the country should be ruled by the most educated, wealthy, public-spirited men.

Many of us believe our country is now on the brink. Our history, though, seen through the eyes of these two men, shows a country in jeopardy of failing before ever getting started. The Revolution was the easy part. The crafting of what this country would be was the hard part. These two men, brilliant polar opposites, created through their differences the country we have today. And it’s only a small stretch to see the substance of their drama being played out now, over 200 years later.

Immigration: Myth vs Reality

Immigration has become a flash point lately, fueled by fears of terrorism and/or economic collapse. Contrary to what most people believe, fears about immigration have been around as long as our country has. This session dealt with the economic realties of immigration.

Item by item, the concerns about immigration were broken down. The bottom line is that immigration creates a huge gain to the economy ($50 billion per year) and deprives no native citizens a living. Another reality is that since 2008, the net movement of Mexicans into this country has been zero. Immigrants commit fewer violent crimes than non-immigrants. They are slightly more inclined to go on to get advanced degrees.

We are far more flexible, as an economic society, than many people would have us believe. And we are all capable of doing anything, under the right circumstances. As the instructor put it, “I teach, rather than clean houses because I studied to do this and I make more money doing this than cleaning houses. But if someone offered me a job to clean his house and said the pay was $10,000 an hour, my response would be ‘Where’s the mop?'”

The Illusion of Attention

The bottom line, here, is that we see far less than we think we do. Our eyes merely allow light to reach our brains. But the eye is incapable of taking in everything we are looking at. Our brains must decide what we see. But the brain is incapable of making sense of everything it has to process. So what the brain usually decides to see is called “heuristic assumption,” assumptions based on what is most likely to be the case, rather than what is actually seen. Leave a gap in the visual field, and the brain will cover it. (Note to readers: The instructor didn’t address herself to heuristic attention as it pertains to our current political debacle.)

Our visual field narrows over time, as does our brain’s ability to process and to remember what we see. The good news is that the downslide is very slow-going. The even better news is that the downslide starts at age 20, so we boomers can all feel smug that even millennials are in the same boat we are in.

Beethoven and The Beatles: Hearing the Connection

For LBL, this lecture was every bit as exciting as a rock concert. Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony set against The Beatles’ Hey Jude. No visuals for this one, only music and a brilliant, hyper professor, who brought that music to life with a spellbinding display of words, gestures, and a reading of one of Shakespeare’s sonnets.

The professor was asked if he was reading too much into the words of Hey Jude, that perhaps Paul McCartney never intended all those hidden meanings and allusions. His answer was “Who cares? Sometimes art transcends the artist. That’s all that matters. We hear it and we make it our own.”

LBL will never hear music the same way again.

She’s said it before and she will say it now: Check out One Day U and see the dates offered in your city or in a city near you. The courses may differ, but the experience will be just as exciting and energizing.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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, Making Music From Jefferson To The Beatles At One Day U,